


Lost

by AniZH



Category: Victorious
Genre: F/M, Gen, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-14 04:45:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5730016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniZH/pseuds/AniZH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade has been in a car accident. She survives but that doesn't mean everything is fine. On the contrary: Nothing is fine because she doesn't remember who she is anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The accident

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. :)  
> This fic mainly takes place in a hospital and this probably isn't like hospitals work at all and St. Joseph's isn't in reference to any real one. But I hope it all makes sense somehow and works for this fic. Also, there is an accident happening and the police doesn't come at all to speak to anyone... which probably also wouldn't happen although I do assume the other person is guilty and has said so.  
> I want to have about six chapters and an epilogue and will try to update twice a week.  
> I think it's also important to know that this fanfiction won't go out with... a big bang or something. I don't know how to describe it without telling what's gonna happen. But just don't have your expectations set too high about anything. Then, I hope, you will be pleasantly surprised. ;)  
> I do wish everyone a good read.

It’s Saturday afternoon and Beck lies on his bed, his phone in his hand.  
Jade is supposed to be here for over half an hour now. That’s not normal anymore. It’s never normal if Jade is late. Yes, she does take her time whenever Beck picks her up, likes to make him wait. But he then knows she is safe in her house. Now, he doesn’t know where she is. She never lets him wait then.  
He has called her a few times by now, texted her even more.  
He contemplates if he has remembered the wrong time. But they want to meet up with their friends in about half an hour and they thought about spending some time alone before that. He is pretty sure about the time they agreed on. Jade even told him she would try to get here earlier, with enough luck even an hour early.  
But where is she then?  
He tries her home now but noone picks up the phone.  
Well... Maybe her mother has a problem or something and Jade has taken her somewhere and hasn’t got her phone with her.  
There has to be some kind of good reason or semi-good reason like that.  
And yet, he has this bad feeling in his stomach. Something is terribly wrong, he is sure of it.  
He thinks about driving to her house but he is already up on his feet when he remembers that his car is in the shop. It broke down yesterday and it wasn‘t something he was able to fix himself. Jade is supposed to drive the two of them to Tori’s house... but she isn’t here.  
His parents of course also each have a car but they will question it and he will have to tell them about Jade not being on time and they will judge. They have been much better about it since the break up and them getting back together as if they have realized that Beck is only truly happy with her but... They still seem to watch Jade as closely as they can, which luckily isn’t all that close, and seem to judge every wrong move.  
They would act as if it would happen all the time that Jade lets Beck wait and worry. They don’t know a thing.  
But before he dies worrying... Rather them judging than him not knowing, right?  
He still considers it when his phone rings. An unknown number calls and he picks it up.  
“Yes?”  
“Beck?”  
Beck doesn’t recognize the voice. It sounds female but he couldn’t say more about it. There are somewhat loud noises in the background.  
“Who is this?” he asks confused.  
“It’s me, Caitlyn. Jade’s mom.”  
Now, he recognizes her voice. It’s contorted though. As if she is... crying?  
Beck feels like he falls in a deep hole. “What happened?”  
“She has been in a car accident.”  
He doesn’t know how it’s possible but somehow, his heart stops and at the same time starts pounding so loud that he is sure, Jade’s mother also has to hear it. For a second, it goes black in front of his eyes.  
“What?”  
“I just arrived at St Joseph’s. They’re operating on her right now.”  
He grabs his jacket. “I will be there in ten minutes.”  
There is a sob on the other end, then: “Please, drive carefully.”

“I need your car.”  
He has pulled his jacket on and is now standing in his parents’ living room where both of them are sitting and watching TV.  
“What for?” his father asks and his mother adds: “I thought Jade was supposed to drive you.”  
“She has been in an accident. I need to get to the hospital.”  
He sees them share a shocked look but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to hear them tell him they are sorry or any other words of comfort. He needs to get the hospital. He needs to get to Jade.  
“Where are your keys?”  
“You can’t drive like this,” his mothers instantly says and Beck doesn’t understand. Like what?  
He sees them share another look before his father stands up. “We don’t need you having an accident as well. I’ll drive you.”  
He still doesn’t understand but he doesn’t care. “Fine,” he hears himself say. At least, he will get there.

His father is the one to ask for Jade at the front desk while he looks around desperately as if she would just suddenly come through one of the hallways.  
They are brought to a small waiting area and there is Jade’s mother and her brother, both sitting in chairs next to each other. Her mother crying, her brother looking like he has seen a ghost.  
They hear him arrive and look up and Caitlyn is the first one on her feet. She comes over and hugs him for the very first time in his life. He hugs her back, draws in her scent that reminds him of Jade’s home.  
They break apart after a while and Beck turns to Jasper and hugs him just as tight. He has hugged him before, has known him for four years now after all, when they boy just has been three years old.  
“I’m sorry,” he hears his father say, honest, to the woman he has only met once before in his life. “Do you know anything yet?”  
“No,” Caitlyn answers with a small voice. “They are operating on her. They won’t tell us any more.”  
Beck hears footsteps and turns, Jasper still close to him.  
It’s Mr. West and his wife who arrive. Mr. West ashen-faced, his wife looking extremely worried.  
“How is she?” Mr. West asks and Caitlyn can only shrug: “I don’t know.”  
Nobody else says anything after that. They sit down, Beck right next to Jasper and Caitlyn, and they wait.  
Beck doesn’t know how much time has gone by. Maybe, it’s been a long minute. Maybe, a few hours. When he hears a buzzing noise that just won’t stop.  
“Son, your phone,” his father silently says and he pulls his phone out of his pocket when the buzzing noise finally stops. He sees that he has several missed calls from Andre.  
He gets up and leaves the waiting area, steps into the nearest inner courtyard and calls Andre back.  
“What’s up? Where are you guys?” Andre asks, obviously confused and worried.  
Beck takes a deep breath. “Jade has been in a car accident.”  
“What?”  
“I’m in the hospital now. Apparently, they are operating on her.”  
It doesn’t take Andre a second. “Where are you? We are coming right over!”

When he gets back to the waiting area, Caitlyn’s parents are there.  
They look just as worried as everybody else, whisper some words into Caitlyn’s ear and smile sadly at Beck when he steps back in.  
“Jasper. Go home with them,” Caitlyn finally tells her son.  
He gives her an incredulous look. “I will stay here.”  
“Please, sweetheart,” Caitlyn says and her mother softly runs her hand through his hair: “Come on, now. There is nothing you can do here. Let’s go home.”  
“What about Jade?”  
He sounds as broken and lost as Beck feels.  
Caitlyn smile a smile that’s not honest: “She will be ok. I will call as soon as I know more, ok? I bet you can see her tomorrow.”  
Beck sees the little one look at her for a long time before he nods and lets his grandparents take him home with them. Beck knows he understands. He understands that his mother just can’t have him around at the moment because she is way to worried about Jade. She needs to know that he is safe somewhere, not sitting in a hospital seeing her cry over his big sister. He always understands Jade as well. He is a good boy.  
As soon as he is away, she collapses back on the chair, shaking and crying. Beck sits down next to her again, but he doesn’t know what to do to make her feel better. He is sure there is nothing that would make her feel better except Jade walking in or at least a doctor telling them everything will be ok.

He is sure, all of his friends touch him in one way or another when they finally arrive. He doesn’t feel like being touched by them. He feels like he just wants to be far aways from everyone. Everyone except Jade who he wants to hold in his arms so badly.  
It’s only Cat that he really feels in his arms, after she shared a long hug with Caitlyn. She is shaking from her tears and they cling to each other as if their lives depended on it.  
Then, he and Cat sit down to either side of Caitlyn. Andre starts pacing. Tori and Robbie keep standing, Tori holding herself, Robbie looking as if he would desperately need Rex here who he hasn’t brought. Beck’s father is sitting a little further away, watching him, Beck, with a worried expression as if it was him you needed to worry about now. Mr. West hasn’t moved an inch since he first sat down. His wife has started shedding tears by now.  
And finally, a doctor comes in. They are all up to their feet the very next second.  
“She survived.”  
He feels dizzy out of relief. She survived. She is fine. She is alive. Everything will be alright.  
He doesn’t even hear the doctor talk about what happened, what they did, what would happen now. He isn’t sure if anyone hears.  
“She is asleep for now. You can come see her for a few minutes. But then, she needs rest.”  
Everyone steps forward and the doctor throws up his arms. “Sorry, not all of you. Just the parents for now.”  
“But...” Beck instantly says and Caitlyn who has already rushed forward, turns back, waves for him. “Beck, you can come with us.”  
He feels the enormous relief. He needs to see her now.  
Cat shortly touches his arm when he passes her, then he, Caitlyn and Mr. West are on their way.  
Jade doesn’t look fine. There are all sorts of tubes going into her body, she is pale even for her. She nearly looks dead but her chest is moving up and down in a rythm, Beck’s body automatically matches.  
While her mother is whispering some comforting words to her, he is just standing there, looking at the sight he will never forget.  
At least, she is alive. Everything will be alright.


	2. Waking up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back. Thank you so much for the kudos. I hope you enjoy the new chapter. The next one will probably come on the weekend.

She doesn’t wake up on Sunday.  
Beck and her mother sit by her side for most of the day, not speaking a word. Her father is also there much of the time but he goes out every now and then to take calls.  
Cat comes by. Her mother who is in town for two weeks drops her off and shortly comes inside the room as well. She takes Caitlyn out for a walk.  
Meanwhile, Cat starts talking to Jade. She tells her everything about her day up until now and about what her brother said on the phone and oh, yes, her brother had once...  
She goes on and on and Beck wishes Jade would glare at her and tell her to shut up but she doesn’t open her eyes or even moves one of her fingers an inch.  
The doctors are calm and claim, everything is fine and she will wake up soon enough. Her body needs some time. But Beck worries once again and just wishes she would wake up already. This can’t be normal, can it be?  
Their other friends also drop by about half an hour and take Cat home with them afterwards. They let Beck promise to text or call if there is anything new.  
He sees that they also don’t think it’s normal and they would much rather have seen Jade sitting in the bed, rolling her eyes as they came in and telling them that she isn’t a child and doesn’t need to be visited in the hospital.  
After they are gone, it’s eerily silent again. Mr. West is also back and the three of them just sit there, watching Jade breath until it’s late and they are asked to go home.  
Beck has promised his parents to tell them how Jade is when he is back, so he shortly goes inside the house after he is home. He tells them in a flat tone that Jade hasn’t woken up at all since the operation. They also seem worried.  
“What do the doctors say?”  
“Not much,” he says, shrugging. “Except that it will work out.”  
“Then it will,” his mother says confidently and he is sure she wouldn’t say that if she had seen her, sleeping all day like she isn’t alive after all.  
But he just nods and is already on his way out when his mother calls after him: “Can we make you something to eat?”  
He doesn’t answer and keeps going. He has possibly just eaten some small snack this morning since the accident, but he has never been less hungry.

On Monday morning, he just gets into his parents‘ kitchen to get himself a coffee and grab the car keys for one of their cars. He still isn’t hungry at all and the bare thought of food makes him feel sick but he also has barely slept and needs enough coffein to get to the hospital.  
He doesn’t answer his parents’ morning greetings, barely hears him, but he hears his mother voice, pointedly asking: “You are going to school, yes?”  
Is she serious? He looks at her with a deadpan stare.  
And of course his mother has known he wouldn’t go. She still seems appalled by it. “You can’t skip school because of this.”  
This?  
“Jade is in the hospital and in some sort of coma or something.”  
“Still,” his mother starts and he looks over to his father who doesn’t seem to want to come to his rescue. Judging by his face, quite the opposite: He obviously also expects Beck to go to school while his girlfriend is in such a state.  
“I can’t believe you,” he utters, putting down the cup he has just poured his coffee in. “Are you freaking serious about this?”  
His mother stands up. Oh, how she hates when he talks back in any way. He doens’t care. He never has when it has been about Jade.  
“You won’t get our car,” she promptly says and that’s just ridiculous but fine!  
“I don’t care. I’ll take the bus.”  
With that, he is already out the door. He hears them call after him but he doesn’t look back.

He steps into the hospital way later than he has wanted to but the bus takes some time.  
He is already in the hallway to Jade’s room when a nurse is about to walk by him but seem to recognize him and stops.  
“You are here for Jade West, right?”  
He nods. Apparently, she recognizes him from yesterday. There were some nurses and doctors in Jade’s room every now and then. He wouldn’t be able to recognize any of them, though usually he has a good memory.  
“There has been some development,” she says and is already on her way in the direction to Jade’s room.  
He quickly follows her. Some development? He can’t read in her face if it’s good or bad. But it can’t be bad, can it? His hands start shaking.  
She asks for his name and then they stop in front of Jade’s door and she knocks, before she stucks her head in while he would just like to burst it open to see if Jade is ok.  
“Beck is here,” she says into the room and he hears Caitlyn’s voice: “Oh. I’ll be right back.” Is she talking to Jade? Why can’t he just go in?  
Caitlyn comes out, closes the door behind her and thanks the nurse who nods and leaves.  
“She is awake,” Caitlyn then directly says to him and that’s good news! Why can’t he just go in, then? Though, Caitlyn’s face also doesn’t look like it’s good news. She already goes on: “Beck, she doesn’t remember a thing. She doesn’t know who she is.”  
And there is the hole again.  
What? She doesn’t remember? She doesn’t know who she is?  
How is that even possible?  
This has to be a very bad joke, he knows it, and yet he knows it isn’t.  
He swallows hard. Does that mean he isn’t even allowed into the room? That can’t be the case. She is his girlfriend after all. The love of his life.  
But when he does go in... what is he supposed to do? When she doesn’t know who she is... She won’t recognize him, will she?  
Even the mere thought hurts him.  
“What do we do?” he finally weakly asks. “She has to remember.”  
Caitlyn looks at him as if she knows exactly what he feels. “For now, just tell her who you are.” Which at least means, she also wants him inside the room, with Jade. “We are...” She swallows hard now. “...supposed to act like there is no big problem, like everything is ok.”  
Beck looks at her with a blank expression and mind. What?  
“It’s not though.” If she doesn’t remember, nothing is fine. There is a big problem.  
She touches his arm fleetingly. “I know.” She does.

He takes a deep breath before he follows Caitlyn into the room.  
Jade sits in her bed, still extremely pale but at least, there is no tube to be seen anywhere anymore.  
She looks up when they come in. Only shortly, she glances at her mother, then her eyes wander to Beck and stay there.  
“Hey. How are you?” he asks and tries a smile which doesn’t work. Just seeing her expressionless eyes... She has never looked at him like this.  
And then, she speaks: “Who are you?”  
Something freezes inside of him. He has known that she wouldn’t recognize him, that she doesn’t know who she is and therefore also doesn’t know who everyone else is. But that flat question out of her mouth... directed at him...  
“This is Beck, your boyfriend,” Caitlyn answers her with a kind voice when Beck says nothing.  
Jade raises her eyebrows but it doesn’t look like it normally does, not judging or something. Just... empty.  
He doesn’t feel like he can come any closer. He just stands there like an idiot, in the middle of the room, while Caitlyn is long sitting next to her daughter again, straightening her blanket a little although there is no need.  
There is silence that’s about to suffocate Beck. Jade doesn’t look at him anymore. She looks in the direction of the window as if there is anything interesting to see there.  
Caitlyn looks back to Beck and seems to want to say something to him when there is another knock on the door. One of the doctors come in.  
“Hello, Jade,” he says, also with a kind voice, before he turns to Caitlyn: “If I could speak with you outside for a minute?”  
“I’ll also come,” Beck directly says. He can’t stay alone with Jade. With this empty shell that’s supposed to be Jade. And he has to hear what the doctor has to say, how they will make everything right again, where the switch is they have to flip.  
Caitlyn glimpses to Jade, then to Beck and he believes she is about to ask him to stay with Jade, so she won’t be alone, but possibly, she understands Beck’s desperate need for information in the end. At least she nods and they both leave the room.  
Mr. West waits in front of the door. Beck doesn’t know if he has just arrived in the hospital and has stumbled upon the doctor on accident or if he has run after him to finally get answers. He also finds he doesn’t care.  
The doctor starts to explain Jade’s state with complicated words that Jade’s parents won’t understand any better than Beck. But they do understand: “We will do some test with her in a minute. If you want to know how to behave around her... Be gentle with her. Don’t pressure her in any way. She probably feels the worst about not remembering, and every pressure put on her will possibly make her condition worse.” Beck can’t help wondering how this could get any worse. “Be kind to her and show her how much you love her. Absolutely do not raise your voice in front of her. I know this is a tough situation as she doesn’t recognize you but... Don’t show her how much you may hurt.”  
“Don’t show her?” Beck finally cuts in, incredulous. “How can’t I? It rips me apart!”  
Mr. West promptly snaps at him: “Beck. Don’t be such a child.”  
“What?” Oh, he is not letting himself be reprimanded by this man.  
“You will do as the doctor says and if you show even one ounce of weakness in there...” Mr. West gets started in a dangerous voice but enough is enough. Weakness? Really?  
“Oh, so I should behave like you? Be out of ice? Will that help her?” Has that ever helped her? Hasn’t that hurt her to no end instead?  
Mr. West steps closer, obviously trying to intimadate him. As if that’s going to work.  
“You are a great actor, aren’t you?” he says in the same dangerous and much lower voice. “If they tell us we shouldn’t show bad feelings in front of her we won’t. Otherwise you won’t be allowed into that room.”  
Beck knows Mr. West is speaking out of love. He is worried about his daughter. But he hasn’t been there for her all those years. Beck has. And noone will deny him access to his girlfriend.  
He wants to tell Mr. West exactly that, or maybe just wants to punch him, when finally, the doctor interrupts: “Please. I know this is extremely hard and stressful for you but you have to stay as calm as you can. And you have to stick together. Jade needs care, love and relaxation above all.”  
He still feels like punching the man but Mr. West does step back and takes a deep breath.  
The doctor continues: “As I said, we will do some tests with her this morning but after... Talk to her about everything, about her life and your memories with her. Help her remember but don’t push her. Don’t make her feel like it’s bad that she doesn’t know. We will watch the situation for the next few days until her body is healed. We will start some exercises for her brain then if there is need. However, we hope she will remember until then.”  
They hope. Well, fan-fucking-tastic.


	3. Their friends

When they go back in, Jade is still sitting on the bed and she looks over to them.  
“Jade,” Mr. West says, possibly with a kinder voice than Beck has ever heard him use. It’s not like he has talked very much to him before. But Beck has been over to his house some times, the first when Jade and he have started dating, if only to be polite and introduce himself. “I’m your father.”  
Jade looks at him just as expressionless as at anyone else and Beck sees through all the man’s composure that he is hurt.  
Yeah, great. Telling him not to show any hurt but having no clue what he is talking about. Now, he actually sees and feels how hard this is.  
Beck watches Jade but isn’t sure if she notices the shift in her father’s expression.  
He sits down this time, next to Caitlyn while Mr. West occupies Jade’s other side – until, only a minute after, a doctor and two nurses come in.  
They all have to move back a little and in the end, Beck stands up and leans next to the window while he watches Jade do different test. Most are easy ones. Stuff about eye-hand-coordination, then about short term memory. The tests are pretty much child games and Jade succeeds in all of them like she should.  
Then, they start asking her about her life and that’s when it stops, when she just can’t answer anything.  
“I don’t know,” she says time and time again and Beck knows, Jade usually would get angry about being asked questions she obviously doesn’t know the answers to. But this Jade just seems confused. She knows herself that it’s wrong and she should know and it’s the question about her birthday, that finally sends her into a panic attack.  
Beck stands helpless while the staff helps her through it and he would like to just grab and hold her but he knows that that could make everything worse. After all, she doesn’t even know who he is.  
That quickens his own breath, makes his own heart pound louder and faster, and he does his best to listen to the nurse who just then tells Jade to breath slowly in and out and in and out. In. And out.  
“Everything is alright, Jade,” the doctor finally tells her. “You had an accident and your brain is just now adjusting to that. That may take some time. You don’t have to worry. Just stay relaxed and everything will come back to you over time.”  
This is just wrong. He doesn’t know that. Nobody knows if Jade will remember. Yeah, they hope. But they can’t act like everything is fine, can they?  
Beck feels like kicking something but for now, he will endure this. Mr. West will kick him out if he looses his cool. And while he feels like he could fight someone right now, like it would do him some good to totally clash with Mr. West at this very moment... While he knows he will get back in.. Caitlyn will understand him and will fight for him to get back in. And with that, it will take up all their time and energy that they should be focusing on Jade.  
So, he just keeps leaning against the window still, his arms crossed in front of his chest.  
“Well... If anything is wrong, if you feel a headache or something, you can push this button,” the doctor continues and shows her. “We will check on you regularly and obviously, your parents and friends are going to be around you much. But we also think you should get some rest. So, lunch will be brought any second now and then, you should try to sleep a little.”  
He turns to face Jade’s parents and Beck: “You can come back in two hours.”  
Beck hasn’t known he wouldn’t be allowed in the room for some sort of lunch break. Her parents possibly have, at least nobody protests.  
But her mother stands up and pulls a bag closer, she has already brought with her yesterday morning.  
“I have packed you some things,” she tells Jade. “If you can’t sleep, you can possibly read you favorite book again.”  
She pulls that book out and two others Jade has wanted to read next and put them on her night stand. Then she leans down and drops a kiss on Jade’s forehead.  
That’s obviously their cue to leave. Mr. West also stands up and says: “Jade. I have to work. But I will be back tomorrow. Earlier, if something happens.”  
Beck can’t believe him. He looks back to Jade, who honestly doesn’t care, before he leaves but he feels even more like he should punch Mr. West. He has had it coming for years, after all.  
But he doesn’t.  
Mr. West tells the doctor outside to call when something happens, then he gives a curt nod to Caitlyn before he leaves.  
Beck clenches his teeth while he watches him go down the hallway and misses the short talk between the doctor and Caitlyn.  
After the doctor leaves, Caitlyn softly touches his arm and smiles a smile that really isn’t one. “Want to meet in the cafeteria? I just have to call my parents to tell them about the new information.”  
He nods and therefore, goes to the cafeteria. He gets himself a coffee and sits down on a small table.  
He wonders how different it would be if Jade would remember. Possibly, she would have fought the doctor about having this little ban on visitors. If the doctor would have been strict and Jade would have gotten louder and louder so that it wouldn’t have been healthy anymore, Beck would have kissed her and told her that he would be back. Possibly, he would have driven to school to tell everyone how Jade was – and texted her every other minute because of course she would have kept her phone with her, allowed or not.  
The thought hurts. Because that’s not how it has turned out. Instead, Jade is sitting in her room, not caring if he is in there or not because she just doesn’t know who he is. She doesn’t know what she feels for him. She actually doesn’t feel anything for him anymore.  
He swallows hard and is glad that Caitlyn is sitting down next to him that very moment, so he isn’t alone with his thoughts anymore. She also hasn’t gotten herself anything to eat, just a coffee.  
“How is Jasper?” he asks while she takes a sip. He hasn’t asked for the boy at all but he knows he must worry just as much as they do. He knows he is with his grandparents for now.  
“Not well,” she answers and looks down at her hands. “I told him yesterday that everything is fine and he can see his sister soon although I didn’t know when she would finally wake up. Now, she is awake but... He can’t see her like this. It will break his heart.” Of course it will. It broke Beck’s as well. “I told my parents not to tell him anything yet as soon as he gets out of school. If he knows she is awake, he will want to come visit.”  
Which will mean, he will believe she still hasn’t woken up. And Beck doesn’t know anything about children. Right now, he feels like he still is one himself. He doesn’t know what’s best. But not telling him she is awake at all feels to him like a very big lie. And big lies always make him sick in the pit of his stomach.  
“Maybe, you should tell him about her waking up,” he slowly says what he thinks. “You could tell him she can’t be visited yet because it’s too much for her. Which is possibly true. It would still be also a lie but... I think it would be unfair not to even tell him that she is awake.”  
He shrugs because he doesn’t know how to explain the difference for him but Caitlyn nods like she understands. “I’ll have to think about it.”  
They stay silent for the rest of the “break”.

When they get back into the room, Jade is fast asleep which they are both happy about.  
Sleep is always good if you are sick, right? And Beck has to say, when she is sleeping she at least absolutely looks like the Jade he knows and loves. Her awake, expressionless or confused at best... that makes him sick.  
They sit to both sides of Jade, just as silent as in the cafeteria as the time goes by.  
After a long while, Jade wakes up.  
“How are you, honey?” Caitlyn asks her with a smile while she sits up.  
Jade shrugs indifferently, before she decides: “I have a headache.”  
Beck is the one to push the button, Jade has been advised to push if that occurs. The nurse takes about five minutes to come. She gives Jade some sort of medication before she explains that feeling pressure will be normal and she can’t give her anything for that.  
She asks how much Jade has slept, how she feels otherwise, before she leaves again.  
She stucks her head back in a second after she has closed the door behind her. “Jade’s friends are here.”  
School must be over then.  
Beck hasn’t thought about their friends. But they don’t know anything yet. They don’t know anything about the desaster that’s happening. And they can’t come in without knowing.  
He glances at Jade, then looks at Caitlyn while he stands up, deciding: “I’ll talk to them.”  
Caitlyn smiles faintly at him before he leaves.  
The nurse is already on her way again and Beck doesn’t even look at their friends, but goes slightly down the hall as well to a space where there are chairs. He doesn’t know how long he needs to explain the situation and if one of them may want or need to sit down.  
They follow him, obviously confused that he isn’t even saying a word, that the nurse has felt like announcing them. Though at least not one of them seem to be surprised to see him here, after he hasn’t been in school the whole day.  
“What’s going on?” Tori already asks.  
He takes a deep breath. “She is awake.”  
He wants to go on, he doesn’t want to make it suspenseful but his friends already cut through him:  
“Really?”  
“Why haven’t you texted us?”  
“We were so worried.”  
Their faces are full of relieve while they are about to celebrate. Except Cat who watches Beck closely, weirdly enough being the only one to notice right away that Beck wouldn’t look like this, wouldn’t act like this, if everything would be fine.  
“She lost her memory,” he finally gets to say, with a slightly raised voice that drowns out the others.  
Now, they just stare at him until Andre asks: “Are you kidding?”  
“Would I kid about this?” he snaps.  
“No! It’s just...” Andre begins but doesn’t have any more words. Tori adds: “It does sound like in a movie.”  
And Beck knows she means well. All of them do. But what the hell?  
“Yeah, thanks! Can we stop watching it?”  
“What do the doctors say?” Cat softly puts in.  
But that doesn’t calm Beck down at all. Those awful doctors! “We are supposed to pretend we don’t care and everyone is just happy happy happy!”  
“But we are allowed to talk about our memories with her?” Tori now asks.  
“Apparently,” Beck spits out.  
It’s Robbie’s turn next: “Since when is she awake?”  
“She already was when I arrived in the morning,” he answers and asks himself if it would have changed anything if he had been there while she woke up. Is it his parents’ fault for denying him to use their car the reason she doesn’t remember?  
But he knows he is unreasonable. It wouldn’t have changed anything if he had been here. Also, he doesn’t even know when she has woken up and they have realized her memories were gone. Maybe, she has already been awake in the middle of the night.  
“Have you talked to her?” Robbie asks and the others are looking interested as if they want to hear what it’s like. As if this is an acting exercise and he can give them some pointers at how to do it right.  
But it isn’t. It’s awful and terrible and real life. And actually...  
“I haven’t really.” The others look confused because they just don’t understand. “I can’t. You know how she looks at me? Like I’m nothing. Like she doesn’t know me. Because she doesn’t.”  
“She still does,” Cat says with a clear and yet so naive voice. “She just doesn’t remember.”  
“And what does that help me?” Beck yells and kicks the closest chair so it falls into the others.  
Tori takes a step closer to him. “Calm down, Beck.”  
And that’s it. That’s all he can take.  
“I am not gonna calm the fuck down,” he yells, making a gesture down the hallway. “My girlfriend is in there not remembering who I am. How can I be calm?”  
They have all backed away from him and look at him in shock and worry. They have never seen him like this, is he usually so in control. And now, it hasn’t even scratched the surface of the deep hole inside of him. They haven’t even cought a breeze of the hurricane inside of him that very well could overrun them and him any second.  
But he turns while one of them whispers they are sorry, and takes a deep breath.  
He sometimes feels like this. He sometimes feels like there is a storm building up inside of him. It’s Jade who notices before he does himself and who takes it in her stride, who uses it as the wind for their sail until he is calm again.  
And now, that he is feeling at his worst, she isn’t there to calm him down.  
But he can get through this. He has to.  
He hears a nurse coming out of one of the rooms and asking what’s going on and the others apologize and try to explain while they tidy up the chairs.  
“I’ll go back in,” he says, when the nurse is gone again and he isn’t shaking anymore, and Tori tentatively asks: “Can we come?”  
He just shrugs.

They do follow him back to the room and he doesn’t know if he has been heard up through here. If Caitlyn and Jade have heard him they don’t show – but Jade doesn’t show anything anymore, so she isn’t a good indicator.  
“Can the others come in?” he asks.  
It’s Caitlyn who answers: “I think that’s a good idea.” She addresses her daughter: “They are your friends, honey.” And Beck again: “Let them in.”  
Beck goes to sit on Jade’s side again, their friends following inside and closing the door behind them.  
And apparently, Beck has to be the worst actor in the world. All of their friends are smiling and greeting Jade happily as if they haven’t just heard that she doesn’t remember a thing about her life, as if they haven’t just seen Beck more out of control than ever before, as if they wouldn’t see just by looking at her that Jade isn’t the person they know anymore.  
“How do you feel?” Robbie asks the question everyone is constantly asking her.  
She shrugs again.  
“Well, I’m sure you will feel all better soon,” Tori tells her and Beck knows how Jade would glare at her if she actually would feel better, if she would be alright. But she isn’t, so she is just looking at her with empty eyes before she asks: “So, what are your names?”  
Nobody even flinches and Beck is nearly bitter enough to start applauding for their performance but he isn’t able to put his hands together after all.  
They all say their names, Cat last: “I’m Cat and basically your pet. Get it?”  
She looks at Jade excitedly and Jade seems confused but she does give her an honest smile.  
It hurts Beck. It hurts him in a very beautiful way because he loves Jade’s smile and he is so happy to see it again after worrying about her so much. But it also hurts him because he hasn’t gotten a smile yet. On the other hand... He hasn’t really talked to her, so what does he expect? Though, if she would be herself, she would long have smiled at him.  
“Well, you missed a day in school,” Andre notices and Tori adds, glancing also at Beck: “Sikowitz was sad that both of you weren’t there.”  
“But he understands,” Robbie says. “Everyone does.”  
And that’s also for Beck but he just really doesn’t care at all. If every teacher in school failed him, he wouldn’t care.  
For a second it’s silent, then Caitlyn speaks up: “Maybe you can tell the two of them what you did in school? So they know when they go back?”  
It’s a good suggestion to keep the conversation going. It’s not like she or Beck can say anything at all, can tell some sort of story to break the silence as they haven’t really left the room yesterday or today – nor can Jade say anything.  
Their friends seem happy to do it and just talk while they are standing at the end of Jade’s bed. They tell her of each class she missed, whomever shares them with her talking for a while, and then they also talk about Beck’s.  
They are just starting to make jokes about one of their teachers Jade always makes the best and darkest jokes about, when Jade speaks up: “I don’t want to be rude but I think I would like to be alone now.”  
Well, at least everyone shares a glance at that. Jade saying she doesn’t want to be rude... Yeah, right.  
But they keep smiling and tell her they will come back and Tori even says they will probably drop homework off soon, then they are gone.  
It’s silent for a minute before Jade repeats: “I really think I would like to be alone now.”  
Beck and Caitlyn look at each other while Jade avoids both their eyes.  
Beck wants to grab her, to shake her but he knows she will scream at best. He won’t get any other reaction out of her and it will devestate him even more.  
But if they go now, they can go home for the day. They still have an hour or something left for visiting but it will be of no use.  
Beck swallows hard as he stands up and Caitlyn kisses her daughter’s forehead again. “I love you, honey. We will be back tomorrow.”  
Then, they leave.  
“Where have you parked your car?” Caitlyn asks after they have gone silently down the hallway.  
“I took the bus,” he answers and she fleetingly touches his arm again as if she understands what that means: “I’ll bring you home.”  
As she stops the car in his parents’ driveway, she asks: “Shall I get inside with you?” To talk to his parents, so that they understand what’s going on. He hasn’t been in school today after all.  
He shakes his head and gets out. He doesn’t go inside the house but directly into his RV. He doesn’t want to see another soul today.


	4. Questions

He doesn’t even go into his parents‘ kitchen on Tuesday. He is sure they still won’t understand and he can’t stand fighting with them today. He still feels like he could punch someone. He knows he doesn’t want a fight with his parents to ever escalate that far.  
He takes the bus again. Mr. West and Caitlyn are already sitting by each side of Jade, and Caitlyn greets him directly.  
“Hey,” he also says and at least Jade answers: “Hi.” And she looks at him. She doesn’t recognize him any further as as that guy from yesterday that was called her boyfriend. He sees it in her eyes.  
He takes a chair and sits down next to Caitlyn again when she asks, watching him closely: “Have you eaten at all?”  
She doesn’t specify since when. He tries to remember his last meal. Has it been Sunday morning? Yes, that small snack. He isn’t sure about after that. The last real meal has to be his Saturday lunch.  
He therefore shakes his head. He has barely eaten at all since the accident. Probably just enough to not have fainted yet.  
“Go eat something.” It’s soft but Beck hears the small command in it.  
And he has thought that Caitlyn is pretty much the only person who understands what he is going through right now but apparently she isn’t. She doesn’t understand that he can’t eat, that he isn’t hungry but sick to his stomach instead.  
He just glares at her like he never has but Caitlyn looks straight back. “Beck. Please.”  
He swallows. Well, Caitlyn is obviously immune to any amount of glaring, isn’t even remotely intimidated. Beck should have known – she is Jade’s mother after all and therefore probably used to a lot of glaring.  
And now he sees the worry in her eyes and... yes, she is Jade’s mother. She worries so much already about her daughter. And she does understand what this does to Beck and just cares for him as well and now worries and... He should eat. If only that she doesn’t have to worry about him on top of everything.  
So, he stands up without another word, only briefly meets Jade’s eyes another time, ignores her father, and leaves.  
The cafetria is luckily already open and has some food.  
He wants to eat quickly but that just makes him feel sicker, so he has to go slower. It takes too much time and he throws half of the food away to be able to get back. He still has eaten something. And to be honest: He feels slightly better.  
When he comes back in, Jade and her parents are talking. She only shortly stops to see who came in but goes right on while he sits down: “Where do I go to school now?”  
Apparently, someone has encouraged her to ask questions about her life.  
“Hollywood Arts,” Caitlyn answers, after giving Beck a small smile, and Beck sees her father narrowing his eyes but he doesn’t say anything. Good for him. He would have punched him now. He knows, he is just one excuse away.  
Caitlyn continues with a smile: “You are very happy there. Your friends go there as well.”  
“Am I an artist then?” Jade asks, obviously picking up on the name.  
Mr. West answers: “You are.” There isn’t a hint of disdain or anything. Well... That’s something.  
Caitlyn adds: “You have a very beautiful singing voice but you are even better at acting and writing.” And she knows how to compose and how to move.  
Jade looks down on her hands. “I don’t feel like I can do any of that.”  
Because you need feelings as an artist. You need a past. You need to be someone. Beck swallows hard again  
Caitlyn puts a hand on her shoulder which she lets happen like the empty shell she is: “It will come back to you.”  
Jade looks up again and now directly at Beck. “How long have we been together?”  
“Four years,” he answers altough they haven’t been together for the whole time but that doesn’t matter. They have loved each other for four years. That’s what counts.  
“That’s a long time,” Jade acknowledges. And yet, she has forgotten all about it.  
Beck nods. “It is.”  
Jade looks into his eyes for another minute and Beck returns it, then she faces her parents again: “Are you the only family I have?”  
He swallows hard. So, nothing came back to her just now? They have looked in each other’s eyes, he has told her how long they loved each other and she feels nothing?  
“You have a younger half-brother,” Caitlyn answers.  
Jade’s eyes narrow. “You aren’t together?”  
Caitlyn and Mr. West share a look. Beck knows of their very bad history with each other.  
“No,” Mr. West finally answers. “We divorced a long time ago.”  
Maybe, everyone is afraid there for a second how she will handle this news but... she doesn’t care. She doesn’t feel anything. She doesn’t know these two people. There is no longing inside of her for a picture-perfect family. How can she be disappointed about the divorce of these two strangers, even if they tell her they are her parents?  
“How old is my brother?” she just asks her mother.  
It’s a more honest smile on Caitlyn’s face now: “Seven. He really misses you.”  
Now, Jade looks at her for a while and Beck is so sure she has to remember her dear little brother she loves so much, but in the end, she continues with another question: “Do I have step parents?”  
“My wife,” Mr. West nods. “She will come visit whenever you feel like it.” At least, they do understand that Jade doesn’t especially like her and he doesn’t drag her here every day just because she is ‘part of the family’ or something. But Beck also knows that Jade’s step-mother isn’t so bad. She tries hard to be a good one. Jade just doesn’t like many people and that her father sometimes seem to love that woman more than her doesn’t help.  
The meaningless questions go on until it’s time for lunch. Jade actually seems to be glad that she gets to rest now without everyone watching.  
Mr. West leaves again for the day. Beck still thinks he is an asshole. But he knows while he isn’t in the hospital much, at least he does pay. Beck is sure Jade couldn’t be in a single room otherwise. No hospital has enough room to just give that to people who don’t pay. And Caitlyn would never have enough money for that, with actually paying the daily life of her two children – and now not going to work which has to mean trouble for her.  
Beck isn’t sure if Mr. West pays for the room for Jade’s best or because he doesn’t want to sit in a room with more sick people in it but he, again, doesn’t care much. At least, it probably is the best for his girlfriend.  
Beck and Caitlyn silently get a coffee together in the caeteria, before Beck finally asks her: “Have you eaten at all, then?”  
He is to not have her seen eating anything in front of him the last two days.  
Caitlyn sickly smiles. “I did yesterday. After I nearly collapsed.”  
She takes a sip, then: “We have to take care of ourselves. Otherwise we can’t take care of her. Also, I am worried about you either way. So, please use this time to eat some more.”  
He is about to ask why they don’t just grab food together – here in the cafeteria or maybe in the café next door, when Caitilyn already stands up.  
“I think I will go now, too. Jasper has a short day in school today and I think I’ll pick him up and tell him a little about Jade’s condition after all. He is perceptive and already knows something is up. Jade was just like him when she was that age. When she was even way younger, to be honest.”  
They share a smile that’s not really one, then she puts her hand on his shoulder. “I hope I will be back in time but you will be with her, right?”  
He nods and he sees in her eyes how incredibly sorry she is that she now leaves too and that she puts the responsibility to stay with Jade on his shoulders. She doesn’t have to be sorry. She has to take of her second child after all.  
“Thank you, Beck,” and that’s not just about this moment, he knows. “Take care of yourself. I mean it.”  
She kisses his forehead like he has seen her so often before kiss the one of her daughter, then she goes.

He does eat something because he knows Caitlyn is right. He can’t take care of Jade if he himself collapses in the end.  
And he has enough time. So, he eats, very slowly, before he goes out, into one of the inner courtyards, sits down on the bench there while he sips another coffee he has bought himself.  
After a while, he takes out his phone and sees that he has a lot of messages. Many are from some girls from school he deletes without reading. Some are from his friends, asking how Jade is. He realizes that some of them are from yesterday already. He realizes he hasn’t checked his phone since she is awake. He has used it as his alarm today but he hasn’t checked any message.  
A few are also by his parents. Telling him to call them or come inside as soon as he is home. Some are from today, some from yesterday.  
He doesn’t answer any of the messages, barely reads through them until he considers it’s late enough to go back.  
Jade is, just like yesterday, still asleep when he comes back. He sits down next to her, on her mother’s spot.  
He silently sighs as he looks down at her. Well... Here they are. For the first time alone since the accident. At least, she is not awake and looks at him with that expressionless stare.  
He has never before been happy that she isn’t awake to talk to him. Yes, he of course lets her sleep as much as she wants to but he does love it so much more when she is awake. When she talks to him, when she laughs with him. When she touches him, kisses him or intertwines her fingers with his. When she looks at him, no matter if happy or angry because it’s still always in love, it has always so many feeling in them and so much history.  
History which Jade doesn’t remember anymore.  
It’s too much. After he hasn’t shed one tear since her accident, feeling cold and empty, he now starts crying.  
He puts his face in his hands and cries like he hasn’t done for years and years.  
Why does this have to happen? Why? And what if it never goes back to normal? What if she will never remember? Can they still be together if she will never understand, never really know what they’ve gone through together already? If he has more memories of their life together than she can ever have?  
But she is the love of his life.  
Or is she as long as she is like this?  
And will she ever fall in love with him when she is like that? Will she want to be together with him?  
“Why are you crying?”  
The voice is soft and careful and full of worry.  
Beck lifts his head. Jade has woken up and barely sits up. She looks at him anxious which isn’t her at all.  
And he knows they are not supposed to cry in front of her. They are not supposed to show them their pain but it’s over now anyway. And if he can’t talk to Jade about his pain... then he has nobody to talk to. Because there always really just has been Jade.  
“Because I can’t do this anymore,” he says, sounding as broken as he feels.  
Their eyes meet and hers are full of heartfelt sympathy that nearly kills him. It reminds him of the real Jade and at the same time it doesn’t at all.  
He sees how hard she swallows before she quietly says: “You don’t have to stay.”  
His insides freeze again and the tears stop with it. He doesn’t have to stay? Really? Jade tells him that he doesn’t have to stay with her while she is in the hospital?  
And he knows that this girl means well. She has seen him all last day and half of this, just standing and sitting around her, barely saying a word, pale, with bags under his eyes. She has heard her supposed mother tell him to go eat something because he obviously hasn’t eaten much since her accident. Even though she doesn’t know him, she sees he isn’t doing well. Maybe it’s better for him to leave her side if she is the reason that he feels like this.  
It breaks his heart all over again. The compassion this girl feels, so similiar to that of the real Jade though she covers it with layers and layers of sarcasm, irony and darkness.  
But the real Jade would know that it would never be better for him to be apart from her in a situation like this – or ever, really. And she wouldn’t want him to leave because she would need him.  
“I do have to stay,” he therefore says while he dries his tears with his sleeve.  
She doesn’t seem to understand and he doesn’t expect her to. Not this Jade.


	5. The truth

When her mother comes back, his eyes are dried and some sort of uncertain silence has settled between them like it never has before.  
“How are you feeling, honey?” she asks while she sits down on her other site for the first time.  
Jade briefly looks at Beck, then she answers: “Fine.”  
There is still a little shrug to it but it’s not just an ‘I don’t know’. Beck wonders how she feels about him telling her he has to stay although she has offered him the option to go. Is that possibly comforting to her or does he read too much into her ‘fine’?  
Caitlyn smiles, has also registered the different answer, but doesn’t say anything about it, instead: “I’ve been at your grandparents and you wouldn’t believe what happened.”  
She goes into an irrelevant story about a neighbour and a cat and Beck knows that Jade would tell her that she really doesn’t care about stuff like that normally, but she doesn’t. And at least someone talks.  
Caitlyn also talks about Jasper a bit, about what he has told her about his school day when there is a knock and Tori, Cat, Andre and Robbie are back again.  
They are still pretending like it’s all so easy on them. They talk about their day, their classes again as if those were important in a situation like this.  
But maybe, Beck is a little more attentive now. Now that he has finally let out his feelings at least a little. Now that he has finally cried. At least, he does notice every little glance that gets exchange, how they watch Jade for any reaction, how they purposely talk about teachers and situations that normally get the strongest reaction out of Jade.  
And he does notice that Cat’s full bubbly attutude, her excited talking, is underlined by a sad smile through the whole visit.  
They stay late. Jade doesn’t send them out today. Beck and Caitlyn don’t leave that much after them as the nightly ban on visitors is soon to begin.  
Caitlyn drops him off at home again and he does see his mother at the window but he directly goes into his RV and locks the door.  
She knocks only three minutes later.  
“We have to talk.”  
“Leave me be,” he calls back, pulls out his phone, catches his earplugs and turns on the music.  
He turns the volume far up, so he doesn’t hear her knocking or talking anymore.

He goes out early on Wednesday, so his parents can’t get him before he goes to the hospital.  
Caitlyn has brought two photo albums today with all these pictures out of Jade’s childhood and also from recently. Caitlyn likes to print the pictures she takes of her children – or they have taken themselves when they were young – to have these albums. And of course, Jade has let herself even recently be photographed by her mother, together with her brother.  
Beck pretty much knows all the pictures. He remembers finding the albums in their house and Jade first not wanting to show him but finally she had. She has told him some of the same stories, Caitlyn and Mr. West tell her now. Though of course, they don’t tell the bad parts about it. Caitlyn doesn’t say anything about how Jade came home crying from her father before that one picture was taken and the only reason she looked so happy in it is that Caitlyn had promised her on the spot, heart broken about the tears, that she would take her to the theater that afternoon and out for ice cream afterwards.  
Mr. West doesn’t tell any stories, to be honest, as he also doesn’t know any of them, but he does comment from time to time on a toy in her hand or on other irrelevant stuff like that.  
They spend the whole morning on it and leave them inside the room when they have to leave for lunch.  
Mr. West goes to work again while Caitlyn and Beck go into the cafeteria and eat there together. They aren’t talking through it. Caitlyn does shortly asks about Beck’s parents but Beck gives only a non-responsive answer and she doesn’t question is. Again, it shows that she is Jade’s mother, that she knows how to handle it, when to ask further and when not to.  
They go back in again when it’s time and Jade just wakes up as they are.  
Jade and Caitlyn start talking about the photos again until Cat, Tori, Andre and Robbie come for their visit.  
Caitlyn stands up, smiling, as they come in: “I will leave you alone for the afternoon. I think it will be good for you to spend some time without a chaperone around. I will use the time to look after Jasper.”  
She kisses Jade’s forehead before she leaves.  
As there are five chairs all in all in the room, now everyone is able to sit down and they draw up the chairs to the bed and do.  
“Aw, were you looking at photos?” Cat excitedly says as she sees the album sitting on Jade’s night stand.  
Jade nods and Tori smiles: “We can also show you some.”  
They spend all afternoon looking at photos. All of them have their phones out and scroll through TheSlap, show her pictures there and tell her stories about it.  
They also leave some stuff out, don’t show every picture. Tori does show her a picture where there is just Jade in her mugger costume from years ago from their stage fighting class. She does tell her about their asisgnment. She doesn’t show her the picture of Jade with her pretend black eye and she also doesn’t say anything about what Jade had done back then. Nobody does.  
They also don’t show her any videos and sometimes, they tell all the stories in a way that let Jade sound like a totally different person, like she is any other girl, possibly overly nice. Cat even starts to giggle at the descriptions the others give.  
What are they doing? This has nothing to do anymore with being gentle to her, with not putting her under pressure. This is lying for no reason at all. Don’t they want Jade to remember her real self?  
Or do they think if they would tell her how much she hates everything (or pretends to anyway), how annoys she gets at things... that she doesn’t want to remember anymore?  
He doesn’t get it because Jade is wonderful the way she is and she should know that. With all the great edges, with all the dark feelings.  
And they love her the way she is as well, otherwise they wouldn’t care to come visit at all, otherwise they wouldn’t be her friends. Why do they then seem to think her real character would be a hard truth for her?  
When they go on their way, Beck is so irritated by them that he is glad they finally leave.  
“It’s weird,” Jade raises her voice, after there has been silence again for a minute. “I see myself on those photos. I recognize myself. But I don’t remember.”  
He looks at her and she has now crossed her arms in front of her, grabbed her own arms, her usual pose for protecting herself. She looks extremely lost. He can’t stand this.  
“They don’t tell you everything.”  
“Mh?” she makes and looks up to him.  
He swallows hard. “They talk to you like you are so chummy with them and all touchy-feely. Shall I tell you something about your relationship with these people?”  
He doesn’t give her a chance to answer, he just delves into it, as if he has waited for this for hours – and maybe he has: “Cat is your best friend but god, does she go on your nerves sometimes. You never had a real friend before and you still don’t know why she chose you but somehow, from the first day in our freshman year, she just clung to you. You told her every day to not talk to you anymore because you didn’t know how to handle it. You had learned how to be alone but not to have friends. Three weeks in and you caught someone making fun of her and calling her ditzy and you punched them.” Which she probably wouldn’t do nowadays anymore. Her methods to get back at people are rarely phsysical and much more refined for a few years now. “You’ve been best friends ever since although you are annoyed by her from time to time and do insult her. Somehow, she gives you the happiness and light and easiness you need in your life while you give her the honesty, safety and ground she needs in hers.”  
Jade has pulled her eyebrows together, as if the whole concept of a friendship like that seems weird. But what does this Jade know about friendship?  
Also, he isn’t done yet, not for long: “Andre is a crazy talented guy you respected from day one. He was scared of you for a long time because you behave terriying a lot. Nearly everyone is scared of you and you enjoy it and like it that way. It took him a long time but actually you hang out alone now, make music together and stuff. He is the only person you never had a problem with openly calling a friend. Well... He is probably the most sane of them all.”  
At Jade’s confused look, he asks himself if she even remembers who Andre is out of the strangers . But their friends have said each others names quite a lot while they were here, not only when they had introduced themselves two days earlier.  
He goes on: “Robbie nearly disgusted you at first with his awful puppet” – they have definitely talked about Rex and she has seen pictures of him, even if Robbie hasn’t brought him here at all – “because back then he used it every now and then to say something offensive or just extremely idiotic while he came out as the nice guy. But you got to understand that it wasn’t Robbie’s fault and that he is actually a good guy who has felt just as alone in his life as you have. You still claim way too often that you just tolerate him but I know you would kill for him any day.  
“And Tori? Oh, how you hated her when she came to Hollywood Arts. You first met her when she was rubbing coffee off my shirt and you nearly drove her out of school because of it. You just started tolerating her because we befriended her. Oh, and you still hate her sometimes and are annoyed by her to no end but for some reason you also let her in. You would still absolutely never call her a friend but she definitely is one.”  
He’s a little out of breath but now that he has started, he feels like he can’t stop. He can’t stop telling her all about her real life, her actual relationships that everyone else seem to sugarcoat, though there is no reason for it.  
“Let me go on with your family. Your father’s an awful man who has no idea what feelings are and who never understood you. Yes, he loves you but sometimes that’s not enough. And though he always disrespects you, though he was never really there for you and still isn’t, you long for his approval because after all, he is still your dad.  
“Your mother is such a hard working woman and you always fight with her. You pretend like you don’t care much about her, like you don’t see or appreciate what she does for you but you know exactly what she does and what she sacrifices for you and your brother, and you sometimes feel like you don’t show her that enough but she knows how you feel because you are close, even though you like to pretend you aren’t.  
“And your brother is everything for you. He also annoys you to no end because everyone does, but you would kill for him any day. You always look after him and let him sleep in your room if he has a bad dream. And you know that he looks up to you and you do care to be a good rolemodel for him.”  
He pants slightly while he looks at Jade with blazing eyes. She has to give some sort of reaction, right? She has to have something to say about all that, right?  
She stares at him for a while and he realizes that he hasn’t said so many words in the last few days combined, let alone around her. Of course, she is shocked at his sudden outburst. After all, she doesn’t know him.  
Finally, she softly raises her voice again: “What about my relationship with you?”  
She does want to know more about him, about them, about their love. He feels like bursting.  
His own voice is suddenly much softer: “We fell in love with each other when we were 14. We never stopped loving each other.” But he is done sugarcoating. If he wants her to remember, he has to tell her the whole truth. “We fight. We fought more two years ago. We even broke up because of it and were apart for a few months. But we really never stopped loving each other. You still get crazy jealous when you see me with another girl though I would never in a million years cheat on you and you know that. But you don’t like it when even one look, even the littlest touch of mine if received by another girl than you. But I like your possessiveness as long as you don’t go overboard with it. I love that you care. And you do care about me. You always help me out if I have a problem. You always listen to me, no matter if I have something important to say or not. You make me care about stuff although you are the one always pretending like you don’t care. You always stay close to me when I need you to be. You can read me like a book, and I have no secrets in front of anyone, but that doesn’t mean that everyone knows everything about me. You do. You know me better than I do myself. And I just need you to be yourself. I need you so bad. I go crazy and I can’t talk to anyone about it. Nobody can understand. I feel so alone and like suffocating. You need to come back, Jade. You need to come back.”  
He doesn’t know when the tears have started rolling but now they do. This time however, she cries too.  
She reaches one of her hands out to him and he takes it when she suddenly whispers with a choking voice: “I just wish I could remember.”  
And he breaks apart. He pulls her hand to his face and cries and cries because why doesn’t she remember now? How can she leave him sitting here crying and telling her how much he needs her and not come back?  
He feels like there are barely tears left when she squeezes his hand in hers, and there’s her voice again: “I do remember that I love you.”  
He looks at her again, not understanding.  
Her eyes are filled with uncertainty when she explains: “Sometimes, I feel like... my memories or whatever are floating around my head but I can’t really grab them. I... feel something though. And that’s happening right now. I love you.”  
And there’s no uncertainty in her eyes about that. He stands up, leans forwards and pulls her into his arms. She hugs him back.  
And they may both be shaking but they do get calmer, the longer they hold each other. And he finally knows: They will get through this.


	6. Back again

It’s calm afterwards.  
She tells him it has been much for the day and he agrees but he can’t go yet. He wants to wait up for her mother. As soon as she comes, he wishes them a good night and goes.  
Caitlyn asks him if he doesn’t need to be brought home today but he tells her to stay with her daughter as long as she is allowed to and takes the bus. He falls into his bed exhausted.

The next morning, he goes back into his parents‘ house. Not because of the new text messages they have left (which he hasn’t even read yet) but because he knows Jade doesn’t like it if he‘s fighting with his parents, especially if it’s about her in one way or another – and he never fights with them for any other reason. She always reminds him that they act out of love, even if they are criticizing her.  
“Beck,“ his mother directly says when he walks into the kitchen and his father asks: “How is Jade?”  
Well, in the end, they apparently do care as well about the girl they have known for four years.  
“Not better,” he answers flatly.  
“So, she still hasn’t woken up?” his mother asks shocked and... not woken up?  
That phase seems like years ago. It has gotten much worse since, after all. Or has it?  
No, because at least she is awake now. She isn’t in that sleep anymore, that death-like state. Though isn’t she also death-like now? Is she really alive when she doesn’t even know who she is?  
He draws in a shaky breath and tries to focus on his talk with his parents.  
“She woke up on Monday. But she lost her memory.”  
Both his parents make a shocked noise and his mother stands up and gets closer to him. “I’m sorry. I really am. We just wanted to...”  
She searches for words but he understands already. They have always been afraid he would loose himself in the relationship which is ridiculous in itself. But that’s why they wanted him to go to school because he is supposed to live his own life.  
Which is awful in this case because Jade could have died in that accident and maybe, in one way or another she did.  
“I won’t go to school until she is better”, he cuts through his mother’s words, directly.  
His father nods. “We know. And as it seems, your school understands. We called them to explain and they’ve told us they haven’t called us though you’ve been absent since Monday because they understand. As you’ve barely missed a day up until now, have always been on time and have good grades, they will overlook it for now.”  
Both his parents look at him as if those were at least a little good news but he honestly still doesn’t care. In the end, that’s just school. He only cares about his girlfriend’s life at the moment.  
So, he doesn’t say anything and finally, his father pulls his car keys out of his pocket and throws them to Beck: “Take the car. Be safe.”  
He nods and is about to go when his mother says again: “We are sorry.”  
“Me too, “ he says, for not talking to them sooner, not trying to resolve this sooner, and he means it.

Caitlyn and Mr. West are again already sitting by Jade’s sides when he comes in.  
But it’s Jade who greets him first today: “Hey, Beck.”  
“Hey,” he answers and feels some warmth spreading although he sees in her eyes that she still doesn’t remember which frustrates him all over again. “How are you feeling?”  
The shrugging is back as an answer to that question, but honestly: “I know that feeling.”  
They actually share a faint smile.

Otherwise, it’s a slow morning. Jade asks a little about her step-mother but she doesn’t seem all that open minded anymore.  
Beck remembers what he has told her about her father yesterday and realizes that she remember just as well and believes him enough to not be on good terms with her father anymore.  
If Mr. West notices, he doesn’t show. As if he ever shows anything...  
Caitlyn and Beck go into the cafeteria again for lunch. Beck has finally even gotten hungry again and is glad to get something inside his stomach.  
They eat in silence for a few minutes, then Caitlyn asks with a smile: “I gather you had a good talk with her yesterday?”  
He doesn’t know if he would call it good in a sense of nice and great but it has been long and... yes, good for both of them, he guesses by the way, Jade has greeted him in the morning.  
“I had,” he therefore says.  
Caitlyn nods and doesn’t ask for details as if she doesn’t want to interfere in their privacy although it’s her daughter who lies in the hospital and has lost her memory. “That’s good.”  
He instantly feels guitly. Caitlyn is such a good woman, such a good mother who really trusts in him and he...  
“I’m not sure if it is,” he says honestly. “I didn’t quite follow doctor’s orders.”  
He cried in front of her, told her how much he needed her, showed her his pain until she was crying too. That’s not what they have been told to do at all.  
Caitlyn looks at him for a second before she gently says: “Maybe, that’s exactly what has done her some good.”

After lunch, when they finally get to go back, Beck decides to give Caitlyn some more time alone with Jade as well. He therefore only shortly looks into the room and tells Jade, who isn’t asleep, that he will be back later.  
He doesn’t feel like going home. He instead ends up driving to school. It’s actually only Sikowitz’ class left and Sikowitz is his favorite teacher and his classes are always crazy and maybe, it will do him some good to experience something like that right now. Some abnormal normality after he has pretty much only seen the hospital for the last few days.  
Class has barely started when he arrives and everyone looks at him when he walks into the room.  
Some of them say his name and it’s Cat who asks: “How is Jade?” As if it must mean something has changed, now that he is back in school.  
Sadly, he has to disappoint: “Not better. But I wanted to give her mother and her some time alone.” And he has absolutely no place else to go.  
Everyone keeps staring at him for a minute or so, until Sikowitz finally speaks: “Well, it’s good to see you back. You’re just in time forAndre’s and Tori’s improv scene.”  
Andre and Tori look at him surprised but do stand up and listen to what they are supposed to do.  
It really does Beck good. Sikowitz doesn’t involve him in his lesson which he is glad about but he also loves seeing his crazy teacher go on about acting.  
While everyone quickly files out of the room after the ringing of the bell, Tori, Cat, Andre and Robbie grab their things only slowly and Beck also isn’t in a hurry. He will go back now but if he would want to be back already, he would have left calss early.  
“Beck?” Sikowitz calls him and Beck turns to him. “Be sure to tell Jade what she missed because I will test her on today’s lesson. And tell her to come back soon.”  
Beck looks at his teacher and has to smile. “I will.”

Their friends suggest to drive to the hospital together but they still have to drop some things into their lockers and Robbie and Cat have to sort out with some others when to meet for a project and he can’t stand the full halls of Hollywood Arts and everyone there asking him for Jade – or some girls clinging to him right away as if this was their chance. He is starting to get angry now again, so he drives back first.  
Both, Jade and Caitlyn greet him with when he gets back into the room and sits down.  
“Where have you been?” Caitlyn asks interested and he answers: “In school actually. Our friends will also come in a few minutes.”  
“Are you sure you’re up for that?” Caitlyn turns to Jade.  
Beck pulls his eyebrows together and also faces Jade: “Why shouldn’t you?” They have been here the last few days as well after all. Has something happened?  
Jade shrugs. “I haven’t slept after lunch and I feel like I’m about to get a headache. But it’s fine.” And she does sound a little like her old self there in the end. The tone of her voice definitely tells them that she doesn’t want to talk about it more.  
Caitlyn does add anyway (because she is used to this voice): “Tell us if it’s getting worse.”  
Jade nods and Beck decides to change the topic: “Sikowitz wants me to tell you to come back to school soon.”  
Jade looks at him at little thoughtfully and Beck says: “He is your favorite teacher and I’m pretty sure you are one of his all-time favorite students.”  
She still seems to think about it, then: “He’s the crazy one, right?”  
He knows it has nothing to do with her actually remembering on her own but only with their friends who have talked about school endlessly and of course have also mentioned Sikowitz more than once.  
He nods and then does tell her about the lesson he held today. It’s the first time since the accident he actually talks to her for some time if you don’t count his outburst a day prior. It also feels good, though it hurts to not hear her comment in her usual way. Here and there he himself adds something he knows she would have said but she listens with the same expression all the way through.  
Caitlyn seems happy though and when their friends come in, she decides to give them time again and look after Jasper, so she leaves.  
They are, again, just obnoxiously happy and it’s after a long while, when Jade finally uses a short break in their stories about school: “You are supposed to be my friends, right?”  
And that’s again said with so much of her old attitude that the others share surprised glances.  
“If you had to describe me, truthfully... What words would you use?”  
They are even more surprised now and Beck looks into Jade’s eyes but she doesn’t look back, watches their friends instead.  
Does she ask because of what he has told her yesterday? Is she curious about the truth because Beck has told her they aren’t telling her everything?  
He remembers having told her that she is annoyed so often by everyone and that she even insults her best friend every now and then... Does she want to know more about her character then through hearing them describe her, or is she more interested in their take on their friendship with her which could also get discovered in such a situation?  
Whatever it is... She is curious and that’s something.  
Beck remembers that moment yesterday when it had all burst out, and how she hasn’t seemed angry at him at all, rather the opposite. And she has reached out for his hand and told him that she wanted to remember. And she has remembered that they loved each other, and they have shared that tight hug.  
His eyes wander to her hand closest to him now while Tori is the first to get over her surprise about the sudden question and answers: “As a girl who knows what she wants.”  
Yes, she does know. She always has.  
He carefully touches her hand and she doesn’t draw back so he takes it in both of his own, strokes each finger with his own.  
Andre meanwhile suggests: “As driven?”  
“Focused,” Tori says with a nod and Cat adds: “As talented.”  
“A little crazy,” Robbie carefully says and Andre actually smiles: “Well... More than a little but that’s not bad.”  
“Dark but in a totally good way,” Cat puts in again.  
And that’s all true, that’s all her but there is only one word to describe her after all, really.  
“Perfect.”  
Everyone is silent for a moment and Beck, who has looked down at her hand he was touching with his own, raises his head and notices that she is watching their hands as well.  
Their friends seem to hold their breath because something in Jade’s face has changed.  
“You do that a lot, don’t you?” she asks after a while, still looking at their hands.  
“Yes,” he just answers because he does. He loves playing with her fingers and hands.  
“I remember.”  
Their eyes meet. “You do?”  
“I remember the feeling,” she replies and looks again down at their hands and he feels a warmth spreading. She remembers the feeling of his hands touching hers. That’s something. That’s a step in the right direction.  
Suddenly, she turns to face their friends again: “I’m sorry, guys. Thank you.”  
And it sounds so final that Tori of course says: “We should give you some rest.”  
She does honestly smile back at Beck though when she leaves and Cat also seems a little bouncier than when she has gotten inside the room.  
It’s Robbie who stops in the door and addresses Jade once more: “Normally, you probably wouldn’t have said sorry or thank you. You would have rolled your eyes and told us we were stupid and our description of you was way off. But we would have known that you didn’t mean it.”  
He has noticed that Jade so specifically wanted to hear the truth from them and now delivers it with a warm smile before he leaves.  
Andre turns back as well and adds, almost with a grin: “Or you would have said thank you. Jade West doesn’t like being predictable.”  
No, she doesn’t.  
They close the door behind them but Beck is also about to get out of his chair. The last time she has sent someone out she had wanted to be all alone after all. And maybe she does need rest, does need to sleep after she didn’t directly after lunch.  
But she holds onto one of his hands with hers and asks: “Can you stay?”  
He promptly feels all warm inside again and has to smile as he settles back into his chair. “Sure.”  
Jade lets go of his hand again without pulling away. “You can go if you’re hungry or anything.”  
“I’m fine,” he honestly says but even if he was hungry... he wouldn’t leave her now. Not when she actually wants him to stay with her.  
He strokes her hand again, plays with her fingers because he loves doing it anyway and it’s a feeling she remembers and maybe it will bring back more memories, some of the moments where they sat together and he did it.  
“Do you ever sing to me?” Jade asks after a while.  
He wonders if she believes to remember something. He doesn’t ask, just answers: “I do. You always say that singing someone to sleep is stupid but sometimes you let me do it anyway.”  
They otherwise sing together mostly but sometimes, when they are on the phone with each other, lying in each their beds, about to fall asleep, he suggests to sing to her. She always claims it’s dumb but he knows she loves it and she always falls asleep when he does. Sometimes, he stays on the line with her after and falls asleep to her breathing.  
He looks in her face now and sees how tired she truly is, how exhausted because the day has again been much for her.  
And she won’t ask him to sing for her now because maybe she remembers some things, she definitely already gets her attitude back slowly, and Jade doesn’t ask for this.  
He smiles and silently helps her settle down, before he takes her hand into his again and starts to sing.

Her mother comes back only shortly after when he has already stopped singing and Jade is fast asleep.  
She asks him quietly what their friends have said and he tells her a little bit, before he asks after Jasper again.  
After that, they sit in silence but both watching Jade sleep in peace until there is only an hour until they have to go, and Jade wakes up again.  
She rubs her head as she sees her mother first and then Beck.  
“What happened? My head hurts like a bitch.”  
Both instantly shift to the front of their seats.  
“Jade?” Caitlyn softly asks, prompting her silently to say more, anything. To let them know if...  
“Am I in a hospital?” Jade asks, obviously confused, as she sits up, still rubbing her head.  
Caitlyn is on her feet. “Jade? Do you know who I am?”  
And even the Jade of the last days knew though in a totally different way.  
She now looks at her mother as if that’s a ridiculous question: “Why wouldn’t I know who you are?” But then, she pauses for a second. “Wait. I’ve had this weird dream that...”  
Her eyes widen and she glances between Beck and Caitlyn with shock written in her face: “Was that real?”  
“It was, honey,” Caitlyn answers with so much relief in her voice, already leaning down and pulling her daughter in such a close hug as if her life depends on it. “Oh, god, it was. But you’re alright.”  
Beck is also on his feet now and is again the one to push the button to call the doctor.  
He watches Jade hug her mother back and after a few seconds she looks over her shoulder at him.  
With all the love, with all the memories, with all their history. And with slight confusion and worry and helplessness.  
But she is alright. She really is alright.  
He feels the tears come up, even before he finally gets to hold Jade, his Jade, again.


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. :) This is the epilogue of the story which is quite short. Sorry for that but I hope it presents a satisfying ending.  
> Thank you everyone for reading and giving kudos. Now, enjoy the epilogue. :)

“Your friends said they will be here in two hours.”  
“Ugh.”  
“If you need anything...”  
“We are fine, Mom.”  
It’s Saturday, barely one week after her accident, and she is already home. Her body isn’t all healed up, so she has to take a lot of medication, is on strict bedrest and has to do some check ups over the next few days and possibly weeks or months.  
But they say she will recover best at home and as she now has her memories back, pretty much nothing can go wrong anymore.  
After she got her memories back Thursday evening, they directly did some tests and questioned her quite a lot but she was really fully back.  
She described, annoyed by the same questions again and again, that she had remembered different stuff over the days, mainly very small things and... feelings. After Beck had told them about it, the doctors decided that him singing was probably the last little push she had needed. Obviously, she already had been on her way to recovery.  
Beck told his parents and texted his friends that evening. He still went back Friday morning instead of going to school to make sure it hadn’t all been just a dream.  
They did some more tests on her the whole morning and in the afternoon their friends came by. Cat pulled her in a crushing hug as soon as she had seen her and Jade of course said in a dangerous voice: “If anyone else thinks about hugging me, don’t.”  
“Come on,” Tori said with a smile. “We are also glad you are ok.”  
Jade rolled her eyes. “Ugh. Fine.”  
And she hugged them one by one.  
Jasper was also there, Friday afternoon and evening, extremely happy to finally see his sister, which Jade of course had to pretend to be annoyed by but everyone knew she wasn’t.  
Beck decided to give the family some time on their own and didn’t drive to the hospital this morning. He drove there, right before lunch, as that was the time, Jade was supposed to be released.  
They were in a small fight when he arrived, Jasper protesting asCaitlyn and Jade both wanted him to go to the birthday party of one of his best friends. Obviously they just didn’t want him to put his life on hold, to miss anything, and it was only when Jade promised that he wouldn’t have to leave her room at all on Sunday that he agreed to go.  
Beck brought him because Caitlyn had still some documents to sign. Then he drove back to the hospital, heard Mr. West promise to come visit tomorrow before he and Caitlyn took Jade home.  
They ate and now, Beck and Jade are lying on Jade’s bed, she sprawled out on top of him.  
Caitlyn wants to give them time alone and for Jade to rest. She smiles at them now and Beck smiles back before she leaves and closes the door behind her.  
“I’m exhausted,” Jade finally says.  
“Headache?” Beck gently asks because she has had quite a few yesterday.  
“Nope,” she answers. “Just exhausted.”  
He drops a kiss on the top of her hand. He is totally fine with her sleeping now, holding her close while she does, knowing that she will wake up again soon and will look at him in this certain way, share a kiss with him...  
“Beck?” Jade slightly raises her voice after a while. “Thank you for everything.”  
For being there for her, for worrying, for barely leaving her side, for telling her the truth. For loving her.  
“Thank you for being back,” he softly replies and he hears the smile in her answer: “I’ll try my best to never leave again.”  
He has to grin. “That would be appreciated.”  
She looks up and they share a kiss, before she lies back again.  
“Sleep for a while,” he says. “I’ll wake you up in time for the visit.”  
The soft whisper makes him finally feel completely calm again. It warms him, it lets him care, it lets him know.  
“I love you, Beck.”  
“I love you, too.”


End file.
